Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Sober Bitch

Posted: November 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

As I counted my sober days, realizing that I did not have any of the scary withdrawal symptoms that I had been fearing, I became increasingly agitated.  What was I mad about?  EVERYTHING. My husband scratched his head and the noise made my skin crawl.  I would snap at him and not be able to explain why.  My coworkers would tell a story that I didn’t find funny, and I would begin to feel an evil sarcasm rising in my throat.  I started eating lunch alone or away from others just because everything that everyone did made me want to scream at them. 

I was being a huge bitch and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it.  So I took a drink.  I stopped counting the days and I all but stopped reaching out and posting here.  Ironically, though, after drinking, I realized something.  That little sober bitch was nothing compared to the angry person I was as a drunk.  And as it turns out, increased agitation is just part of the process that I have to go through to become sober and happy.  So maybe relapsing was a mistake, but I learned something from it, and I haven’t lost everything that I have gained up to this point. 

After talking to others, I learned that the things I was feeling and projecting at others actually are withdrawal symptoms.  They just weren’t the ones I was scared of.  They weren’t the ones I was prepared to handle.  Lesson learned.  Today I woke up and said to myself, “Welcome back, sober bitch.”

Stress Test

Posted: October 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

Today was quite a day. Actually, that’s an understatement. I teach kindergarten, which is never a dull moment, but today was out of control. One student decided to purposefully pee on the floor, another got the stomach bug and pooped all over himself while sitting in one of my chairs, another decided to yank a tooth out that wasn’t ready and gushed blood onto my rug, and another took a pair of scissors and cut his hair, resulting in patches of bald spots in several areas.
These are often the things that kindergarten is made of, but not all in one day. The really bad part, however, is that I had to hotline two families today for abuse. I left the school heartbroken, anxiety ridden, and exhausted. Today was the perfect excuse to have a slip up and take a drink.
Last week, by crazy chance, I figured out that one of the ladies that posts on BFB was in my town visiting her family about a mile away from me. We decided to meet for coffee yesterday, and we talked for well over an hour. During this talk, she mentioned a few things that would make certain days harder than others… Hunger, loneliness, anger, and tiredness. (HALT) We also talked about stress and other triggers.
Today, I was faced with many many of these things – stress, anxiety, anger, and exhaustion.
On my way home today, I thought about my conversation with my new sober friend, who is yet another brick in my wall of support that I have been building. The timing of my meeting with her and the advice she gave could not have been more perfect. As I drove today, I passed the first liquor store, and later the fifth, all of which I used to rotate through. I felt repulsed at the thought of drinking. I knew it wouldn’t help. I knew it would only make this crazy awful day much worse.
Today has been a week since I had a drink. I’m thankful for new friends, endless support, and a peaceful mind as a lay down to get my rest for a new day. I hope those of you reading this can find that at the end of each day, no matter how bad, it’s still good because you’re sober.

Support System and Day Five

Posted: October 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’m sure that one day I will go back and read this and five days will seem so miniscule, but right now, it seems like an eternity.  I don’t mean that in a bad way, but in the way that my secrets, shame, loneliness, and hopelessness seem so far away right now.  It is amazing at how quickly I was able to begin building a support group. 

Through the Booze Free Brigade, I have gained a couple of friends that are invaluable to me.  We text each other, checking on our sanity and struggles throughout the day.  We give each other tips on things that are helping us get through the hard hours.  I opened up a little more to my husband tonight.  I allowed him to ask a few questions.  I played a podcast about addictive personalities on The Bubble Hour for him.  I am beginning to be able to talk about it little by little. 

Find a place for support, no matter where it comes from, and as long as it is a healthy source.  Start online if that’s what makes you comfortable.  Right now I depend heavily on ladies in New York and California that I have never met.  As a matter of fact, if I passed them in the grocery store, I wouldn’t know them.  But they are often what gets me through the day. 

I’m feeling good.  I know that every day will not be perfect just because I am sober, but today was close.

Day One, Take Twenty Eight

Posted: October 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

I drank last night.  Yep, all of this talk about a brave new beginning and courage, and what did I do?  The excitement and the stress of the finality of it all grew in me as the day went on.  I left work to pick up my son.  This is the trip where I always stopped for my drink of choice.

In my head, I had a battle going on.  I truly did not want to stop.  I wanted to be successful.  I wanted to write my post tonight about day two and how wonderful and proud I felt.  But the urges welled inside of me and it was almost as if the disease itself turned my steering wheel right into the drive through of a liquor store.

I felt shame as I drove off with my purchase but relief at the same time that I could have a drink and forget about it all.  However, I did something last night that was very important.  After drinking, I sent a text to one of my new recovery friends and told her what I had done.  And then this morning I woke up, headache and all, and posted in the BFB about my mistake.

I knew that being honest and accountable to others was a must.  So I sit here tonight, sober, getting ready to watch a movie with my husband, knowing that tomorrow, I can be honest and proud.

I turned The Bubble Hour podcast on through my Iphone and listened to it in my car as I whizzed right past the liquor store today.  I then got a text from another of my new recovery friends letting me know that she was struggling today and was nervous about some errands she had to run.  After talking to me, she listened to The Bubble Hour in her car and she also drove right by the liquor store.

I highly suggest that during trigger moments, you turn on a voice, whether it be the ladies from The Bubble Hour, or some other resource, that is good for your mind.  I did that, and now I can say that I know that tomorrow will be day two, and that’s something to be proud of.

I rolled over this morning with my alarm screaming into my ear, as if were saying, “Wake up!  You failed again!  Go ahead and lie to yourself this morning, make more empty promises that we both know you can’t keep!”  Last night, after a few days sober, I convinced myself that I should drink one last time.  Ha!  If you are wondering what could be funny about that, it’s the fact that this is a cycle I go through quite often.

Today is different.  Why?  Because I made some very courageous steps this morning that I have never done before.  I sent a long text to my husband that said something like this:

“I am an alcoholic. I am not ready to talk about it, but I want you to know that I need to make some changes, which include not being around it for a while.  I think that our lives will be richer and happier this way.”

It took everything I had in me to hit send.  He replied shortly after telling me that he would support me in any way he could and that he was there when I was ready to talk.  I then logged onto the Booze Free Brigade and admitted my mistake.  I also asked for friends to help.  I got an overwhelming response of ladies giving me their phone numbers and telling me to text or call them anytime I felt that I needed to.  I have five other women struggling with the same addiction that I can reach in seconds to talk.

The last thing I did this morning that is very new and frightening for me is to start this blog.  In the least, I hope it helps me stay accountable and becomes a place for me to openly express the truth of what I am going through.  I hope that it can also become a vehicle to help others in some way.

Welcome to my last day one.  Welcome to my new life.