Sober Bitch

Posted: November 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

As I counted my sober days, realizing that I did not have any of the scary withdrawal symptoms that I had been fearing, I became increasingly agitated.  What was I mad about?  EVERYTHING. My husband scratched his head and the noise made my skin crawl.  I would snap at him and not be able to explain why.  My coworkers would tell a story that I didn’t find funny, and I would begin to feel an evil sarcasm rising in my throat.  I started eating lunch alone or away from others just because everything that everyone did made me want to scream at them. 

I was being a huge bitch and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it.  So I took a drink.  I stopped counting the days and I all but stopped reaching out and posting here.  Ironically, though, after drinking, I realized something.  That little sober bitch was nothing compared to the angry person I was as a drunk.  And as it turns out, increased agitation is just part of the process that I have to go through to become sober and happy.  So maybe relapsing was a mistake, but I learned something from it, and I haven’t lost everything that I have gained up to this point. 

After talking to others, I learned that the things I was feeling and projecting at others actually are withdrawal symptoms.  They just weren’t the ones I was scared of.  They weren’t the ones I was prepared to handle.  Lesson learned.  Today I woke up and said to myself, “Welcome back, sober bitch.”

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Comments
  1. I think sometimes it takes experimentation and experience to understand the dynamics of our own processes. I love that you own it all- intended and unintended! Perseverance is what ultimately gets us the places we want to go- like SoberLand. Hail to a fellow traveler!

  2. attc2013 says:

    Hi …
    Just wanted to let you know that I have been reading your blog and I think you’re doing great.
    I started my journey to being sober three years ago … as of Sunday I will have been alcohol-free for three weeks. During the three years I have given up for three months, two weeks, one week, one day, 19 days … and on and on. I never look at relapse as a failure – only as a chance to learn and to try again.
    One of my favourite quotes is from a site called SMART Recovery (it’s an alternative to 12 step style recovery) basically it’s “Try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try … succeed.”
    So long as you keep coming back you are closer to the ‘succeed’. If you don’t try again maybe you never will be.
    All this time on I think I have probably clocked up about 1 year of sober time and during that time I have become comfortable with the fact that this is ‘forever’, that it’s going to be really hard sometimes and that it’s actually really easy sometimes too. There’s so much about being sober and being in recovery that I would never have learned had I not relapsed.
    Good luck on your journey – you will do it if you keep trying.
    xx

  3. Best of luck to you. We are all in your corner!

  4. Good for you. Numbing those feelings isn’t the answer. Here’s a reality check, yesterday on The Doctors they had a mirror that showed how you will age in 10 years if you drink 1 drink a day. It was scary!!!

  5. Lynda Otvos says:

    The only way to get over them is to work thru them. It’s a bitch but it’s real. We’re here for you still. And so is all that you learned-just like you said.

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