Sober Bitch

Posted: November 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

As I counted my sober days, realizing that I did not have any of the scary withdrawal symptoms that I had been fearing, I became increasingly agitated.  What was I mad about?  EVERYTHING. My husband scratched his head and the noise made my skin crawl.  I would snap at him and not be able to explain why.  My coworkers would tell a story that I didn’t find funny, and I would begin to feel an evil sarcasm rising in my throat.  I started eating lunch alone or away from others just because everything that everyone did made me want to scream at them. 

I was being a huge bitch and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it.  So I took a drink.  I stopped counting the days and I all but stopped reaching out and posting here.  Ironically, though, after drinking, I realized something.  That little sober bitch was nothing compared to the angry person I was as a drunk.  And as it turns out, increased agitation is just part of the process that I have to go through to become sober and happy.  So maybe relapsing was a mistake, but I learned something from it, and I haven’t lost everything that I have gained up to this point. 

After talking to others, I learned that the things I was feeling and projecting at others actually are withdrawal symptoms.  They just weren’t the ones I was scared of.  They weren’t the ones I was prepared to handle.  Lesson learned.  Today I woke up and said to myself, “Welcome back, sober bitch.”

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Stress Test

Posted: October 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

Today was quite a day. Actually, that’s an understatement. I teach kindergarten, which is never a dull moment, but today was out of control. One student decided to purposefully pee on the floor, another got the stomach bug and pooped all over himself while sitting in one of my chairs, another decided to yank a tooth out that wasn’t ready and gushed blood onto my rug, and another took a pair of scissors and cut his hair, resulting in patches of bald spots in several areas.
These are often the things that kindergarten is made of, but not all in one day. The really bad part, however, is that I had to hotline two families today for abuse. I left the school heartbroken, anxiety ridden, and exhausted. Today was the perfect excuse to have a slip up and take a drink.
Last week, by crazy chance, I figured out that one of the ladies that posts on BFB was in my town visiting her family about a mile away from me. We decided to meet for coffee yesterday, and we talked for well over an hour. During this talk, she mentioned a few things that would make certain days harder than others… Hunger, loneliness, anger, and tiredness. (HALT) We also talked about stress and other triggers.
Today, I was faced with many many of these things – stress, anxiety, anger, and exhaustion.
On my way home today, I thought about my conversation with my new sober friend, who is yet another brick in my wall of support that I have been building. The timing of my meeting with her and the advice she gave could not have been more perfect. As I drove today, I passed the first liquor store, and later the fifth, all of which I used to rotate through. I felt repulsed at the thought of drinking. I knew it wouldn’t help. I knew it would only make this crazy awful day much worse.
Today has been a week since I had a drink. I’m thankful for new friends, endless support, and a peaceful mind as a lay down to get my rest for a new day. I hope those of you reading this can find that at the end of each day, no matter how bad, it’s still good because you’re sober.

Support System and Day Five

Posted: October 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’m sure that one day I will go back and read this and five days will seem so miniscule, but right now, it seems like an eternity.  I don’t mean that in a bad way, but in the way that my secrets, shame, loneliness, and hopelessness seem so far away right now.  It is amazing at how quickly I was able to begin building a support group. 

Through the Booze Free Brigade, I have gained a couple of friends that are invaluable to me.  We text each other, checking on our sanity and struggles throughout the day.  We give each other tips on things that are helping us get through the hard hours.  I opened up a little more to my husband tonight.  I allowed him to ask a few questions.  I played a podcast about addictive personalities on The Bubble Hour for him.  I am beginning to be able to talk about it little by little. 

Find a place for support, no matter where it comes from, and as long as it is a healthy source.  Start online if that’s what makes you comfortable.  Right now I depend heavily on ladies in New York and California that I have never met.  As a matter of fact, if I passed them in the grocery store, I wouldn’t know them.  But they are often what gets me through the day. 

I’m feeling good.  I know that every day will not be perfect just because I am sober, but today was close.

I am on day three.  I should be excited, but to be honest, I am scared.  I feel great.  I am proud of myself.  But I am fully aware that withdrawal symptoms can start to attack today.  I have heard stories of the good feelings and the false comfort of having escaped the symptoms only for them to sneak up around day three, four, or five and hit you like a ton of bricks.

I have been to day three before.  The worst symptom I have ever had was debilitating headaches.  Alcohol made the headaches go away.  I absolutely refuse to let that be my answer this time.  I have reached out on the BFB (Booze Free Brigade) for tips on how to combat these headaches and any other symptoms I may be facing.  I highly suggest that if you are coming upon this stage in recovery, be prepared with the tools you need to get through this time without having to resort back to booze to feel better.

Here are some of the tools I have ready to go:

1. Coffee – I chased my booze with soda, so the coffee gives me the caffeine my body is used to without adding to my headaches or providing the trigger of the taste of sugary colas

2. Ibuprofen – to help combat the headaches

3. Podcasts – ready to go for that extra push (I am loving The Bubble Hour right now)

4. Support – friends that I have made through the BFB are available any day, anytime, by way of text

I will be honest and update everything that I experience. Although I don’t want to scare anyone away from becoming sober, there are a lot of scary truths that can come along with recovery.  However, I also know that anything that I may experience will pass, and going back is not the answer.  Here I go…

Day One, Take Twenty Eight

Posted: October 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

I drank last night.  Yep, all of this talk about a brave new beginning and courage, and what did I do?  The excitement and the stress of the finality of it all grew in me as the day went on.  I left work to pick up my son.  This is the trip where I always stopped for my drink of choice.

In my head, I had a battle going on.  I truly did not want to stop.  I wanted to be successful.  I wanted to write my post tonight about day two and how wonderful and proud I felt.  But the urges welled inside of me and it was almost as if the disease itself turned my steering wheel right into the drive through of a liquor store.

I felt shame as I drove off with my purchase but relief at the same time that I could have a drink and forget about it all.  However, I did something last night that was very important.  After drinking, I sent a text to one of my new recovery friends and told her what I had done.  And then this morning I woke up, headache and all, and posted in the BFB about my mistake.

I knew that being honest and accountable to others was a must.  So I sit here tonight, sober, getting ready to watch a movie with my husband, knowing that tomorrow, I can be honest and proud.

I turned The Bubble Hour podcast on through my Iphone and listened to it in my car as I whizzed right past the liquor store today.  I then got a text from another of my new recovery friends letting me know that she was struggling today and was nervous about some errands she had to run.  After talking to me, she listened to The Bubble Hour in her car and she also drove right by the liquor store.

I highly suggest that during trigger moments, you turn on a voice, whether it be the ladies from The Bubble Hour, or some other resource, that is good for your mind.  I did that, and now I can say that I know that tomorrow will be day two, and that’s something to be proud of.